Sunday, October 31, 2010

The baby's website

I guess I should probably give this one it's own blog entry.

I did create a blog specifically for the baby whom we lovingly call Beanie. Beanies blog can be found here if you're interested please feel free to check it out. That is where I will be posting most of the baby related information. I'll probably mention some stuff here as it's obviously a big part of my life but for the most part the baby and the pregnancy news will be posted to that blog.

That's it, just a mini-post with a heads up for those who may have missed it in the middle of a previous post.

Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain to all!

What to do today?

Yesterday I sat home all day, couldn't nap even though I was wiped out. I don't remember any other pregnancy making me quite so tired! Also, I know I showed really early with Emma... but last night I looked in the mirror and I think if I saw me and didn't know me, I'd think I was 6 months along already. I wouldn't mind it, but then people never believe how far along I really am and blah.

I think the pregnancy hormones are making me cranky or something... the last couple of times I came to post I ended up venting.

Guess I'll just crochet, catch up on Sons of Anarchy and sit here some more. Maybe I'll get less hormonal. It might help if I could get these damn Nicotine patches to light when I rub them. It's just not the same as smoking. Maybe if I roll them up and light them... :p

Saturday, October 30, 2010

What a boring day

The kids are at grandma's and grandpa's for the weekend. I don't feel like going to another parade, yesterday was good enough. My house is clean. I am clean. I got all the groceries I could with what I had. I do have laundry, but that requires quarters... and I could go to a park or something, but since I am trying to ween off my anxiety medication for the pregnancy, it's best I just chill.

I guess I can crochet, normally I save it for when I am really anxious, but now I have so much yarn there is really no need to hold back. Not to mention that scarves for donation would be best completed sooner rather than later. It would be nice if I at least had cable TV or something though... or internet that isn't tethered through my phone so I could stream TV shows... Netflix... whatever.

Ohhh, maybe I'm being hormonal and grumpy?!? I don't feel grumpy, but I bet someone would be willing to pin it on that. lol

I guess, off to crochet and listen to music. Sounds good I think... meh, yeah.

Friday, October 29, 2010

My shopping adventures with mom!

I haven't been shopping with my mom in FOREVER!!! I think it's because I tend to ask sweetly for things and she has a hard time saying no. But HELLO, that's what daughters do! lol

Anyhow, I want to start off with the important part of the trip. I got to hit Joann's and picked up the yarn with the donation money! I can't believe how much yarn $25 buys. Almost 9 skeins actually only like .40 shy of 9. Anyhow, I was able to get 8 and that leaves me with 2.36 left over towards buying more. I did purchase some hand lotion because crocheting seems to dry my hands out fast, but that $1 comes out of my own pocket. :) Okay, so here are the pics thus far...

The 8 skeins on top are the new ones.

And the receipt as promised. 

Aside from getting the yarn so I can start the new scarves we also picked up some much needed school clothes for Emma as well as a coat and new shoes for me. I love getting new things! Especially pretty new things! Speaking of new things, I think I'm going to have to get a larger crocheting basket! lol

Between watching Emma proudly march in her first parade, therapy and shopping... today was a wonderful day.

Parades are fun?

Actually, I can't stand them, but Emma is going to be walking in the Anoka Halloween Parade today so we are getting ready to go watch her. Fun stuff!

Pics and video to follow.

Back to normal

Sort of. I have therapy this morning, and now that I've gotten the pregnancy announcement out of the way with everyone, I can settle into the idea myself. I do have to say I've been pleasantly surprised by the supportive responses I receive. I thought for sure people would pick on me for doing something "so stupid" when I am having issues all around myself. Then again, I have been working very hard at getting everything floating along even keel so to speak.

I started another blog, yeah, another one... lol this one is specifically for the baby and updates or news or... random baby-ness. If you'd like to check it out it's there is only one post there as of now, but I have a bit more to post and as I go to appointments and such I should have even more to post. It's similar to the blog I did with EmmaLeigh's pregnancy for long distance family, but this is more like a pregnancy journal. So, check it out if you'd like. :)

Later today I am going to go watch Miss Emma walk in the Anoka Halloween Parade with her school. She is so excited that I can't wait lol. My mom will be coming down as well, she walked in the parade when she was in school in Anoka so she's very excited to see the current youngest grandchild doing the same. I'm glad she's coming, little miss is pleased too. (Thanks mom!)

That's it for now I think, have a wonderful day! I have the best readers. <3

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's been a productive day so far

I went down to the county offices and straightened out the mess that my worker self admittedly made. I can't even begin to tell you how much that sucks. Life would be so much easier if I could solve my anxiety issues and live a "normal" life. I miss working and the feeling of accomplishment that goes along with it when you get a pay check. I miss the feeling of being completely self sufficient. I miss not being judged for getting assistance, although those who do judge me for that can kiss my bum. :p

I made an appointment for WIC, filled out and filed all the paperwork I could at this point, I also took care of getting my proofs of income and so on, so when I go there isn't anything to do but go. I got Emma's insurance reinstated as well as my own, that was a part of the worker screw up but I had to do the leg work on it to expedite the process. Blah.

Anyhow, that is all the stressful stuff I had on my plate for the day and so far so good. I think I am going to see if I can handle a trip to Joanne's or Michael's for the yarn from the donation. I'm very excited to get started on that and I am nearly out of my own yarn at this point anyhow.  I wish I could get a bulk discount or some sort of discount for doing it for a good cause, I'd rather make the most of the money. Not that I'm not already going to do what I can, but the more I can get... obviously would be better.

I think that's it for now. Oh I have some searching/research to do for Jim, that should keep me busy for a while as well. It feels good to be productive. <3

My financial worker is such a dgfkglafngfjka

She didn't listen, she screwed up paperwork, she made strange demands and now I have to go up there to fix it. Not how I wanted to spend my morning today grrrrr! I swear she hates me and does this to spite me, once this is all fixed I am so going above her head.

Okay, rant done, I feel better. Have a great day!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Little big news in Chele-ness land.

I can't explain it, I am supposed to have fertility issues... but there it is plain as day. Needless to say I know this isn't great timing, but you know what? I really don't care. I am happy, it is what it is and I always wanted another baby, looks like god/the gods/the nothing... whatever you believe in, thought now was a good time for this and I am not going to second guess it. 

So, yay! Happy news! I feel blessed and I can't wait to meet this new little person. 

Wonderful people

There are a few out there that is for sure. I received an anonymous donation of $25 towards the purchase of more yarn for the scarves that I have been making.

If you didn't read the earlier post, as a tool to help myself be less anxious I've learned to crochet and have, through practice, gotten fairly good at at least making scarves. However I had two issues, I was running out of yarn to crochet with, and I was running out of people to make scarves for. So I came up with an idea that benefits me, buy giving me more yarn to keep my anxiety at bay as well as benefits other people in need, because I will  be donating the scarves to local organizations that help others in need.

Needless to say the person who donated the money has a very kind heart and while I know who it is, it is as per their wish that I am keeping their information confidential. I will post my receipts here as well as show the yarn I am able to purchase and the scarves I produce with that yarn. Hopefully this can become something other people are interested in taking part in as well.

Anyhow, I was am excited so I had to at least post something. To that wonderful person, my sincere thanks for not only trusting me to do what I say I will, but seeing the good in the idea/cause. Thank you so much!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Interesting times

I find myself faced with some facinating situations at the moment. Hopefully soon I can post more, as I know more.

Shock and awe.
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Monday, October 25, 2010

Ah, back to therapy.

I knew I missed it, but not how much. I also didn't know how much I'd be missed.

Although finishing my intake today it seems that I will continue to attend therapy until the "partial" program opens, and that next week we will complete my intake for it. While yes, therapy is helping, it just isn't quite enough. My anxiety is still a monster to be reckoned with and while it's a tiny bit more tolerable, it's not where I need it to be.

I am still crocheting and it's still getting me through tougher times, I'm even mixing it up a bit, teaching myself new stitches as I go. The scarf I am currently working on is 5 rows of double (the first stitch I ever learned) and one row of singles, rinse and repeat. With much luck I'll be donating some really great scarves to the needy in no time. Not that I am not needy myself, but do unto others.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Football shouldn't give me anxiety...

So wtf? Sitting here watching the Vikes Vs. Pack... and I'm freaking anxious. That is gay as hell. I'm not... NOT going to stop watching it though, so here is to CBT watching the Vikes play. Klonopin my friend and savior, we're getting through this one together.

Feel your boobies!

My daughter Cheyenne has been making me profile pics for facebook and I noticed she was using a program called Picnik I used the same program to turn a regular pic into my "pink pic" for October. October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and whether you're male or female, it's good idea to "feel your boobies" at least once a month.

Some may giggle or think dedicating a month to the awareness of such a disease is silly, but come on, even our football players are sporting pink. (pun intended)
Adrian Peterson and a Cowboys player seen here wearing their pink BCAM gear at last weeks game. We won! Woohoo!

I was able to find a nice "card" that details how you can do a BSE or breast self exam at home. Doing this at least once a month can help find any changes or lumps that may develop. This tool could lead to early detection at any age as a mammogram is usually reserved for women 40 and older unless they've had issues with their breasts previously.

You can click on the photo and it will open in a new window in it's original size and with a white background for easier printing.
Don't be shy, especially not with your self, nobody even needs to know you check unless you find a possible issue, then it's just between you and your MD. It's worth it if it saves your life, isn't it?

I never post recipes

However, Missy posted this recipe on facebook this morning and I think I am actually going to try making it today. It looks fast, easy and delicious.

Cowboy Dinner-Slow Cooker Style

by Missy Deal-Stambook on Sunday, October 24, 2010 at 7:28am
What is great about this recipe, is that it is all to your taste!  You can add more or less.

1 pound ground beef
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 can tomato soup
2 cans kidney beans (drained)
1 cup milk
5-10 small red potatoes
garlic pwder
onion salt
Chili powder

Brown the beef.  Add chopped onion to it.
Wash and cut potatoes.
Add all above ingredients to slow cooker
The seasoning is to taste-I always add a little to the meat while browning and add more when all goes in slow cooker.
Set on High for 2 hours (stir occasionally) then turn down to Low for hour or two.  This way it will get done within 4 hours. (Note: it shouldn't be too soupy, the consistency should be thicker.)
Or keep on low and let cook for the day!

Serve with buttered soft bread and dip in the extra sauce! (<== Added the bit about the bread :) )

Enjoy!!  Yeehaw!!

  • Michele Whipps Anderson Would you mind if I repost this to my blog, giving you credit of course?
    17 minutes ago 

  • Missy Deal-Stambook No I don't mind. This recipe originated from my Grandma Bertram. My mom wants me to mention we serve it with buttered bread to dip in the sauce.

  • 5 days with no blog post...

    I think that might be a record for me.

    I guess a lot has happened over the last two weeks. The most recent being a surprise trip to Mercy in the middle of the night for what I now know were "PVCs" which stands for premature ventricular contraction... which overall means irregular heartbeat or heart palpitations. No matter what you call it, it's scary as shit! It's also apparently not terribly dangerous and requires no medications at this point. I spent 4 - 5 hours in the ER at Mercy on the 20th for this. They drew all sorts of blood, gave me an IV, took x-rays and then sent me on my way. In total the PVCs lasted roughly 6 hours, start to finish, and were still going on when I was discharged. I told the doctor that if I woke up dead I was so going to sue him. Lucky for him I didn't wake up dead.

    Of course, with all my anxiety, the PVCs chased me back into some sort of agoraphobic state. I was quite happy not leaving my home, I even missed not one, but two sessions of therapy because of this. Not good, considering how hard I've been working to get past the anxiety and agoraphobia. I am making myself attend on Monday, without fail. I need it, there isn't much else to that.

    Oh, what else. Oh, Amanda came over on... Friday so I guess that's the 22nd and dragged me all over Anoka and Coon Rapids. Granted the trip required at least 6 or 7 Klonopin over the day/night I did it. I owe her for that, even that one successful trip, as hard as it might have been, is a step in the right direction and she knew it. She did great with it and I think overall, so did I.

    Oh, another good thing, the kids went with my mom yesterday and participated in the feed my starving children program. They all did wonderfully, we're all very proud of them. Even little Emma stretched as far as she could (which was just enough) to serve the rice. She's 6 and did this for an hour straight! Oh and despite his initial qualms Blake, now 11, agreed to wear a hair net, it might have been over head entire head, at least initially, but he did it. I am very very proud of my mom and my children. Feeding those in need is such a wonderful thing to do, very fulfilling in so many ways, for them and for those they helped. So HUGE props to them all for that. In addition, my mom said it went so well and all 4 children felt so good about it, that they plan to make recurring monthly trips. I am very proud.

    Tuesday, October 19, 2010

    Bigger blessing in the smallest places

    Financially, I had to catch at least a tiny break somewhere... I found the where!

    The washers in my new apartment complex are twice the size of the ones at the old complex and cost .25 less a load! AWESOME! So I can do a load of laundry roughly twice the size I could in Cutters... for .25 less. Here is where it might get even better... The dryers are also larger and cost .50 less per load! Assuming they dry well, like the venty thingies aren't all clogged up or something... laundry is so much less expensive here!

    Granted, the washers are probably older than I am, but they seem to work fine and I am guessing they must or someone would have complained by now, right?

    Okay... so the math on this is like what... .75 less per load, but 1 load here is equal to two loads in the old place which to wash and dry was $3.00 per load... So I am saving $3.75 per load of laundry. HOLY CRAP! Woohoo!

    My blah day just got a little brighter, if that keeps happening it might turn into a good day... what to do? By the way, we haven't been wearing stinky clothes all this time, my mom was kind enough to take loads and do them here and there as we needed. Thanks mom!

    Monday, October 18, 2010

    Okay, I think I have an awesome idea.

    Today, being back in therapy since being in the hospital, it was great. I am now picking up a Tuesday meditation and yoga group in addition to my M, W and F groups. That means 11 hours of therapy a week, not including seeing my therapist, I hope this stuff finally helps.

    Nobody can claim I'm not going at this from all the angles I possible can. I even left Stephen home this morning, dropped Emma off and school and then went to AMHOP. That had a very empowering feeling to it and had the gas light not been on or had I had money for gas... oh the things I maybe could have done. lol

    Anyone around the area up to daily walks? I'm not quite ready for jogging or running, but I am definitely ready to walk. Start small at first and work my way up. I'd like to do it outside while it's nice, but then maybe a mall or something for the winter. I think getting myself in better shape physically, while working on the mental portions might be just what I need to really make this all successful.

    Oh also! I was thinking today and part of the way I get myself through anxious situations is to crochet... well, all I have really made is scarves so far, but they're quick and easy, giving me an easy sense of accomplishment. (Always a good thing.) Anyhow, they're therapeutic for me to make and as I am currently making use of the food-shelf in Anoka, I though that I could donate scarves for other people in need, so I feel like I am giving something back. 

    My only real issue is affording more yarn for these scarves. I can buy a good size skien of yarn for under $3 and make no less than 2 scarves, maybe 3 depending on width and which crochet needle I use. At any rate, if anyone wants to buy yarn and donate it for not one but two good causes, or donate money for yarn (I'd gladly purchase the yarn and show the receipts for it.) you could help 2 people at one time and for fairly little money. I know in this economy nothing is really inexpensive, but if you have that little bit to give, you can help. By the way I am in no way using this for my own profit or gain (aside from the therapeutics that come along with making the scarves.) and I am willing to show that with any documentation possible. 

    Do any of my readers know about how to set up a "donation" type link or anything along those lines? Or heck, even set up a Non-profit organization. Either way, this is something I'd like to do to help myself and others, so if you can help, it would be greatly appreciated. 
    The indented portion is the important part.



    Saturday, October 16, 2010

    I guess this is kind of nuts

    I was just talking to Jen on facebook, talking about most of my meds and crap and decided to take a pic. I am 33 and the amount of scripts I have looks like I'm 55...

    Anyhow, here's the pic.

    My med box... yikes.

    9 Are prescribed meds, not including the two I forgot in the bathroom lol. The other two are essential daily supplements.

    It's hard to blog from the hospital

    Between my anxiety and finding out I have another fantastic chronic condition... I seem to have hit the jackpot of crappy things that can happen to your body. I was admitted Wednesday afternoon, after therapy of course, and spent the bulk of my two and a half days waiting for specialists to come and run tests on me. Then, Friday night after I had finally seen the last specialist, I got a whole bunch of new prescriptions to come home and take. BLAH! I guess if they might help, it could be good. Notice I haven't listed the jackpot of crappy things? To be honest, I don't think I am ready to make the list yet. It's like, I don't know, I need time to come to terms with them myself. Of course none of them are life threatening, so no worries there, they're just life-long.

    Oh and to make things even better for me, while I was in the hospital they had me in the "Behavioral Health" floor, which means what I could and couldn't have for "creature comforts" was very limited and I got a ton of extra therapy sessions via attending groups to keep my "Level green" clearance... meaning I wasn't a risk for harming myself or others and I could leave the locked unit for walks outside and such. Not that the level green made things much better, I am still upset with being on one floor because of an issue I really didn't go to address. I don't know why simply having anxiety made me stay on that floor rather than being on any other medical floor. I guess I just have to look at the bonuses of extra therapy to help with my anxiety and of course a psychiatrist to review my anxiety meds. It's always reassuring when they think you're on the right ones and don't change a thing. Oh and being in the sanest of the "wards" at a level 1 out of 3. Level 3, I am told, is a bit scary... that is where Jesus lives... according to the guy who insists he is Jesus.

    So yeah, that was my last few days, sorry I was so quiet, I wasn't even allowed my cellphone, so that meant no blogging, hell, no anything.

    Oh and before I forget, I did come home to find that Phenson had been in and out of storage like a busy bee. He got quite a bit of stuff moved over to the apartment as well as going through all the hastily packed boxes and reorganizing what is in storage for easier transport when we have more gas. I am extremely grateful for that.

    I think that's about it for this post. No pics or anything too fun. Just a crappy update about life in general I think.

    Wednesday, October 13, 2010

    An answer to a question asked of me on FormSpring

    Q: Do you, as an earth loving pagan, a believer in the threefold rule.. believe that the bad things that happen to you in life are due to your own past misdemeanours?

    A: I wonder if there is a character limit on answers. The short answer to your questions would be yes. However, in truth, it is not that simple.

    I consulted all of my "go to" books for this. One of the up and down sides to Paganism or the Pagan religions is that there isn't any ONE book, such as the Bible, for Christians. Just as there isn't any ONE way that you have to believe, practice or study. I guess on some level the same can be said for Christianity though, as there are many different Christian denominations, I imagine that leaves even just the one book, open to some level of interpretation.

    Personally, I believe in the threefold rule, to an extent. Imagine if you will, a small child, unaware of the rules, the small child finds a blank white wall and decided that is the perfect place to color. How would you handle that child, versus another who has colored on that same wall numerous times and knows for certain that it is wrong to do so?

    Personally, the child that knew better than to write on the wall but still did would receive a more stern punishment than the child who did not know. The one that knew the rule would likely be made to stand in the corner as well as clean up what they had drawn, whereas the one who didn't know would simply get a talking to and help clean the wall up after themselves.

    It is my belief that the threefold rule follows this same type of system. Someone who does harm unknowingly or unintentionally would not suffer as much as someone who did so knowingly. On the other hand, the reward side of the system, assuming that you might refer to it as a system, would likely yield similar rewards for the known and unknown, as it is teaching a positive lesson.

    I know this is a long answer, and it may be a bit confusing, my Adderall has long since worn off. I am very much still a student in my religion and while I have studied for about a year now, I still have much to learn. I have read and re-read my collection of books several times, picking up new things each time. I know the question was really only about the negative side of the threefold rule, but such as all in life, there are two sides to the coin.

    On and a quote or, almost a quote from I believe it is Raymond Buckland's book... one who punches someone in the eye should not expect to get punched back 3 times in the eye, only that something roughly three times as bad will likely happen.

    Blah, I hope this answered your question.

    One year ago today

    It's been one year since I lost my Grams, it's been one year since we lost Grams. It's been a year.

    I can't believe it's been a year, I still cry, I still miss her, I still wish we had more options at the time. However, in a years time, I have come to accept that we didn't have choices. I accept that Grams is in a better place, no matter what you believe in. I accept that Grams was ready to move on. She had told us so for a while.

    I will never forget the day, I will never forget the moment she took her last breath. Such heartbreak for those of us still here, and at the same time, such relief for her and the pain she could no longer feel. I feel blessed, I spent so much time with her in her ICU room, I was the last one to hear the words "|I love you" from her. At least that I am aware of. I believe that is one of the last conscious, clear things she spoke towards the end. That is something that I will never forget.

    I love you Grandma, so do the kids. We talk about you all the time still, your memory isn't anywhere near faded. We are all still healing, still recovering from losing you, but we'll get there. As a family and for our family, we will get there.

    I love you so much and I miss you at least that much. I hope you know and can feel that.

    You held my hand.

    Tuesday, October 12, 2010

    Awake at 4am with a sick kiddo

    Poor little bean is coughing so hard she can't help but to vomit. It's hard enough being a broke mommy, barely scraping by on rent, but now I am an anxious mommy waiting for a pawn shop to open to I can get her some cough medicine.

    I am not sure if I have blogged this before or not, but I absolutely hate how much control my anxiety has on my life. I *hate* it. I am going to therapy as often as possible, I am learning new coping techniques, I am working on relaxation and breathing exercises almost constantly to keep myself under control. I am getting by with taking 2 - 3 Klonopin a day, but even at that, I am only taking it when I absolutely have to.

    I know I can get it in check, I know I will, but the waiting and trying is just so damn hard. I am contemplating trying to get at least part time work at Mercy... it's close and I'll feel safe. If I can work that out and do it while Emma is in school, I just might have a shot at making something work and hopefully being less dependent on the child support that isn't being paid. In the mean time, life kind of sucks.

    For now, my plan is to keep her comfortable and sleeping until either the Minute Clinic or Urgent Care are open, taking her to be seen and hopefully getting enough at pawn to give her the cough meds and other "feel better" items like breath right strips, etc. that I know help her when she feels this way. She has been such a good girl that I gave her $1.00 to take to school to buy cookies at lunch. It's pretty sad that I regret rewarding her good behavior now because I think with the $3.00 I had I might have been able to get at least a generic brand couch syrup for her.

    This means she is going to miss her second day of school for the year. Last year she missed 16 days total with colds and the flu... to the point that they threatened me for truancy, I can't risk that this year, but what is a mom with a sick kid to do? Last year I didn't take her in each time she was sick, this year I plan to at least take her to the Minute Clinic (at a minimum) for medical documentation of whatever illnesses she comes down with. That was something I avoided last year trying to keep her colds from becoming more by being around other sick people and additional germs. I also plan to get her the flu shot if we can ever get a long enough window between colds.

    ARG. I guess I am just really stressed, I should be sleeping, I know I should, but I can't. Emma and Steve however are snoring peacefully behind me on the bed, which I should take as a blessing.she's safe and secure snuggling daddy and I am at least mentally dealing with the logistics of getting her well. I am doing all I can, right? I think and hope I am. Although as I've said before, I am always open to suggestions, although I appreciate it if they're not in the form of criticism.

    Emma snuggled in a bundle of blankets next to me.

    Daddy crashed out next to her legs. Poor bean.

    To whomever stuck this mini-book out and read it, thank you, it means a lot to me. Blogging has really become a great tool for me, to get things that I struggle with inside, out. I never thought my life would be such a struggle and I know it has to sound pretty dramatic. I know others have been through worse, but it is what it is and I am doing my best.

    Saturday, October 9, 2010

    Is it possible to take too many baths?

    I don't know if it is from being homeless for 17 days or if it is just soothing for my anxiety, but I take at least one bath a day. And not just a bath, I would say I stay in the tub for at least an hour at a time... Barring unexpected visitors. (Usually Mom lol)

    I read, text, go on the internet, listen to music and now apparently I can add blogging to that list. Sorry if that is TMI for you lol. Just being honest. I could even picture watching a movie in the tub...

    I don't think I have ever taken so many baths in my life. I still shower too... It isn't an OCD thing either, I don't "bathe" every time, like hair washing and all.

    Maybe I am just an odd ducky.

    No worries, just my feet and no nudie reflections! Lol

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    Friday, October 8, 2010

    I must be crazy

    I am once again looking forward to sitting through 3 hours of therapy. Yeah, 3 hours, 3 times a week.... 9 hours of therapy a week... and that is just group therapy. I think it's safe to say that I really want my anxiety to go away for good. I also think I look forward to seeing the friends I've made. Friends going through the exact same things. I am definitely thankful for the AMHOP program that allows me this opportunity.

    I am sick of the issues anxiety causes in my life... especially money issues. I hate that I went through being homeless. I hate that I had to live in my truck, I hate that I have to pawn stuff for rent... I hate that I can't afford to just go out and get Emma more school clothes. Not that she doesn't have clothes to get through on... but come on, one of the best parts of a new school year is new outfits.

    You know, I have to say that through it all, I've been able to keep a fairly positive attitude. I know I can beat this again, I've beaten it before. To beat it for good would be absolutely divine, and it is without a doubt my long term goal. However, just to make it through a day without having to have to run to the ER for some problem that my mind thinks it might want to manifest with actual physical symptoms... that is my short term goal.

    As of today I have gone 9 days without an ER visit. Since I was homeless, that is probably the longest period of time I've spent without an ER visit. So, I think for now I am going to use that as my guide to gauge how much my anxiety is improving... that and my trips out and about. FourSquare has actually been a great tool for me to keep track of making sure I get out and do things, I really don't want to be stuck in my apartment, that is NEVER fun.

    So, how is that for a brutally honest post. I'm broke, I'm anxious, both things feed each other... it's a vicious cycle, but one I am determined to end. Do I really think I am crazy? Nope, I think I've been through and seen a lot of really bad crap in my life and my feeling of security, that slight feeling of immortality, has been taken from me. Now it's just a matter of learning to live my life without that, and I am very hopeful that I can do just that.

    Thursday, October 7, 2010

    The New Ultimate in Protection!

    Cub now offers "cart protectors" or as they should be known... cart condoms. Okay, I was cool with the wipes and all... but who has to take off all the "used" condoms before putting the carts back into circulation? They don't have trash cans available at the cart corrals to remove your own...

    Not to mention, you have to grab the cart and get it to the condom dispenser before even having the ability to put it on. Sure, you could grab one ahead of time, but they're like sticky cling wrap... I shouldn't need to say more on that.

    Of course we had to snap a pic, so without further ado, I give you...

    The Cart Condom!
    I'm thinking the wipes were a better thing... or offer bacti-foam or some crap... if nothing else do it in addition to these.

    I "protected" myself from my cart... will you do the same or risk it all? :p

    Wednesday, October 6, 2010


    Okay, there seems to be a thing with me and socks, knee highs and above especially. For like the last 2 years I just can't get enough of them!

    So, today after therapy, I went to get another skein of yarn for Cheyenne's scarf with a coupon for 40% off any regular priced item. Lord knows I have crap for money and the yarn (go figure) was on sale so not eligible for the sale. I did however happen across some very cute Halloween sockies that at a full price of $3.99 did qualify for the 40% of. I figured I could have a inexpensive reward for all the work I've been doing with and for the betterment of my anxiety... so I got them! They ended up being cheaper than the yarn that was on sale...

    Anyhow, I had to put them on when I got home so I thought I'd show them off!

    Above the knee

    Skulls and crossbones with stripes!

    Sideways, but I think they're cute! Pardon my boxers...

    Tuesday, October 5, 2010

    Shock and Awe...

    I am actually looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I've always hated therapy, any kind of it... but this group therapy through AMHOP is really starting to give me a positive feeling. I am thinking and hoping that even if only for a little while, this is going to help tremendously.

    I wonder if I am odd... I mean, I'm not "normal", I never have been, nor would I like to be. Although being anxiety free would kick ass hardcore...

    I don't know, but I am looking forward to it and I am not ashamed of it!

    Woohoo! Good day for me!

    I did all the running I had to, I pawned what I had to, I got the money order I needed and I *think* I got my rent paid on time. I think today was the last day for it to be considered "on time". Whew.

    An anxiety roller coaster to say the least though holy crap. Rent is paid, phone is paid... the rest I don't know what I'll do, but those two for me, are the two big ones. Trying my ass off to get on my feet, I am getting there... I think. I still owe for the bounced application check, that is $70, but nobody is ever in the office for me to find out how long I have to come up with that. Hell coming up with rent was hell... but I did it!

    I am flat broke, but I did it.

    Monday, October 4, 2010

    Therapy? Oh my!

    Today was day two of a new group therapy I am attending to try to help me lessen/cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia... so far so good, I think.

    The plan is to attend these groups Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am -12pm talking and learning with others who have the same or similar issues. The groups don't seem to be totally consistent as far as who attends when, but I am all for diversity. I just really want to get better. I can't stand having my life ruled by feelings and thoughts that aren't real. Meaning, fearing normal every day things and situations to the point of where it debilitates my life.

    Why do I bring this up? I have had a few responses to my blog, especially when my ex-husband Stephen posted asking for help, to get me out of the homeless situation. I just want to make it known that this is not a voluntary disorder. I know if you've never gone through it, it is nearly impossible to understand how it can be so debilitating. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, my life went from being fairly happy and carefree to the point of being trapped within my own home for fear of things outside it. Mostly, anything that might harm me.

    One of the worst parts of this disorder is knowing that it is purely in my head. Sure, some dangers are quite real, but just the act of eating in a restaurant or with a group of people shouldn't pose any additional choking hazard. Simple, or seemingly simple worries like that are what limit my life. On top of those I have the agoraphobia, which I can sum up no better than a fear of fear. What it truly boils down to is I tend to be afraid of any situation that I believe *might* cause me to have a panic attack. I know these things are in my mind, but they manifest physical symptoms that make it difficult to deny when you're trying to logic yourself out of the issue at hand.

    Okay, so this was a lot of writing and I am not sure I really helped anyone understand what I am living with. I can say, if you have a question about either Anxiety or Agoraphobia I would be happy to answer them. It may help you understand why I can't just "get off my lazy ass and get a job" and "Why don't you quit smoking it's a filthy habit, that costs money you clearly don't have?" aren't realistic goals at this point. Even according to the doctors I see for my disorder.

    Hell, apparently trying to write this out and help people understand my position in life, makes me a bitch because I am concentrating and not immediately responding to my ex husband.

    Sunday, October 3, 2010

    I got out last night!

    Karl, Chris and I headed up to Chasers to check out the "local" scene. It wasn't too bad, a bit dead... and they had NO good beers... but apparently the Bloody Marys were fabulous, according to the men.

    We stayed a couple of hours... I had a soda... didn't spend any money! (Thank you Karl for the soda.) and then we headed out. Now, normally I'd be like ... wait.. wtf... it's barely past midnight... but I was with two OLD guys :p (Just kidding guys! Or am I?)

    Anyhow, it was very nice to get out of the house. I managed the trip with very little anxiety and I don't feel like "Lump". Hmmm I haven't done songs of the day in a while. Guess what today's will be. :p

    It looks gorgeous if not a little chilly outside, maybe I'll venture out again... oooooh.

    P.S. Thanks to the fantastic bartender who insisted on carding me. Makes me feel so young. hehe

    Friday, October 1, 2010

    It's October!

    I loooooove October, there is something so magical about this month. The changing temps, the changes in the trees, the through of little trick or treaters just around the corner. I love it! There are also a few special birthdays this month, today however happens to be my mothers. Happy birthday mom! She's one of the best Libras I know. hehe

    In other news, I started a new therapy for my anxiety. Something has to give, something has to work, I am hoping this along with all the other things I am doing and trying are going to make life livable once more. Granted, the stresses I have only lend to the anxiety and they tend to be above average stresses... I'll have to learn to deal with them without panic anyhow and be that much stronger for it. I just hope I can make it through this phase in life without too many more bumps and bruises. I am of course stressed about rent, I am $250 shy because some people don't think paying child support is important. I knew better than to count on them but my county worker assured me that the payments were picking up and I could afford this place.

    Thanks for that lady. Blah! Once again I rant. I'm sorry. :( I hope everyone else is having a fantastic October first, especially considering it's a Friday!