I am once again looking forward to sitting through 3 hours of therapy. Yeah, 3 hours, 3 times a week.... 9 hours of therapy a week... and that is just group therapy. I think it's safe to say that I really want my anxiety to go away for good. I also think I look forward to seeing the friends I've made. Friends going through the exact same things. I am definitely thankful for the AMHOP program that allows me this opportunity.
I am sick of the issues anxiety causes in my life... especially money issues. I hate that I went through being homeless. I hate that I had to live in my truck, I hate that I have to pawn stuff for rent... I hate that I can't afford to just go out and get Emma more school clothes. Not that she doesn't have clothes to get through on... but come on, one of the best parts of a new school year is new outfits.
You know, I have to say that through it all, I've been able to keep a fairly positive attitude. I know I can beat this again, I've beaten it before. To beat it for good would be absolutely divine, and it is without a doubt my long term goal. However, just to make it through a day without having to have to run to the ER for some problem that my mind thinks it might want to manifest with actual physical symptoms... that is my short term goal.
As of today I have gone 9 days without an ER visit. Since I was homeless, that is probably the longest period of time I've spent without an ER visit. So, I think for now I am going to use that as my guide to gauge how much my anxiety is improving... that and my trips out and about. FourSquare has actually been a great tool for me to keep track of making sure I get out and do things, I really don't want to be stuck in my apartment, that is NEVER fun.
So, how is that for a brutally honest post. I'm broke, I'm anxious, both things feed each other... it's a vicious cycle, but one I am determined to end. Do I really think I am crazy? Nope, I think I've been through and seen a lot of really bad crap in my life and my feeling of security, that slight feeling of immortality, has been taken from me. Now it's just a matter of learning to live my life without that, and I am very hopeful that I can do just that.