Today was day two of a new group therapy I am attending to try to help me lessen/cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia... so far so good, I think.
The plan is to attend these groups Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am -12pm talking and learning with others who have the same or similar issues. The groups don't seem to be totally consistent as far as who attends when, but I am all for diversity. I just really want to get better. I can't stand having my life ruled by feelings and thoughts that aren't real. Meaning, fearing normal every day things and situations to the point of where it debilitates my life.
Why do I bring this up? I have had a few responses to my blog, especially when my ex-husband Stephen posted asking for help, to get me out of the homeless situation. I just want to make it known that this is not a voluntary disorder. I know if you've never gone through it, it is nearly impossible to understand how it can be so debilitating. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, my life went from being fairly happy and carefree to the point of being trapped within my own home for fear of things outside it. Mostly, anything that might harm me.
One of the worst parts of this disorder is knowing that it is purely in my head. Sure, some dangers are quite real, but just the act of eating in a restaurant or with a group of people shouldn't pose any additional choking hazard. Simple, or seemingly simple worries like that are what limit my life. On top of those I have the agoraphobia, which I can sum up no better than a fear of fear. What it truly boils down to is I tend to be afraid of any situation that I believe *might* cause me to have a panic attack. I know these things are in my mind, but they manifest physical symptoms that make it difficult to deny when you're trying to logic yourself out of the issue at hand.
Okay, so this was a lot of writing and I am not sure I really helped anyone understand what I am living with. I can say, if you have a question about either Anxiety or Agoraphobia I would be happy to answer them. It may help you understand why I can't just "get off my lazy ass and get a job" and "Why don't you quit smoking it's a filthy habit, that costs money you clearly don't have?" aren't realistic goals at this point. Even according to the doctors I see for my disorder.
Hell, apparently trying to write this out and help people understand my position in life, makes me a bitch because I am concentrating and not immediately responding to my ex husband.