Song of the day: Dream Theater - Panic Attack

Http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=t7b_DaILYiQ

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I am here

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Song of the day: Seether - Careless Whispers

Yeah, it's my birthday, I'm not going to write about the disappointment that it is. It's inevitable, instead I am just going to share one of my favorite covers of all time, which is also now one of my favorite videos of all time. Can't go wrong with good music to a great video. Anyhow... here is Seether - Careless Whispers set to a video based mostly off Twilight and a bit off of New Moon. Enjoy. <3

Song of the day: Britney Spears - If you Seek Amy

All the scandal involved with this song is just lolable. I'm not a bit Brit fan, but I still love this song. Hell, I still like the song she did for the infamous VMAs "comeback".

Happy Birthday Emma!!

I can't believe my babiest baby is 6 years old. She is going to start 1st grade this year... it's crazy! While we will be doing some packing today, I am not going to let my worries about the future darken her day. 

Lil' Miss Emma freshly awake and being sung to,

Emma with her birthday breakfast cake.

The Cake

Eating cake in the living room while watching Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy!

Daddy and mommy stayed up making some simple decorations and we're hoping maybe Grams has balloons to bring this evening. I think we'll consider giving her presents throughout the day today... although maybe it's better to wait. I don't know. I can't believe my baby is 6!

lol @ ex-in-laws

 They think they can hide. This is just one of many recorded stalking views. It's amazing what you can view despite the use of a proxy to try to hide behind. ::eye roll:: Y'all are pathetic, just talk to me. lol Oh and way to ignore Emma's birthday. Great family she has.

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It isn't getting any easier

I am thinking at this time, I need to buckle down, accept my fate and just deal with it.

Is it worth renting a storage unit and holding onto hope that I can and will find a place in the next month or two or do I just pawn what I can to get by and give the rest to other needy people?

Today is a very hard day

Why this day sucks so far:

• So far I started the day off with more packing and cleaning. I have packed boxes everywhere... and no place to bring them. I am also running low on boxes, I think I'll try hitting stores for them this evening.
• I have spent down time doing internet searches and making phone calls. There is just so little help out there. I have yet to fine a resource that isn't tapped out or pointing me back to another resource that I have already called.
• There are two homeless shelters in Minneapolis... that might take us, if they have room. Although for the one shelter I have to have at least two of the kids with me, rather than with friends or family. Do I really want to drag them into a homeless shelter? I can't believe this is happening.
• Just tried calling CEAP... left a message with my name and number... no human interaction at all.
• Anoka County Salvation army... nothing aside from suggesting shelters in Minneapolis again.
• My current Apartment called to set up the "Move out inspection" instant tears - referred them to my roommate.
• Called my county worker who helps with M.A. no answer, left yet another message. 

Out of all the calls I have made today, I have spoken to one human who simply gave me referrals to homeless shelters. I haven't been able to reach or speak with anyone else and from the way things are looking, even getting financial help isn't looking very promising. Hell, I am not even sure I can get a place in the shelters. It is so hard to breathe right now.

Less than 8 days left

And I still have no idea what we're going to do. I am absolutely speechless. I don't know what to say at this point.

FINDING ME: random

FINDING ME: random

Awe, Beth, you're such a good person. Can't wait to see you, I'm trying to make sure it happens today.

Also,

Why does it have to cost over 1000 a month for a 3 bedroom, which I need to keep my family together... vs. $600 - $700 for a 2 bedroom where I have to choose which kids can stay... I can't even keep my family together. ARG!!!

I think it is time to ask for help.

Seriously, in about 7 hours, the kids and I will be down to 10 days before we are homeless.

Please, if you don't have an idea, if you don't have a way to help, maybe you can share my blog with others. Maybe someone, somewhere will know of something I haven't tried. Maybe someone would exchange money for work I could do for them from home, assuming I get a home. I am desperate. All the programs for people in my situation are closed, even the waiting lists, which are years long, are closed.

I've been stuck in my apartment riddled with stress and anxiety over this, which doesn't help, I know it doesn't. But at the same time, there is a reason I am considered disabled and receive disability. It's because of my anxiety.

What I am asking is, if you cannot help, maybe you can just re-post a link to my blog. Maybe someone out there, can help or knows someone.

What do I do? What can I do? I think my heart is breaking.

I think I am going insane, not in the clinical sense.. well hell... who knows in what sense. I am a mess.

Facing what is now or will soon be 12 days until I have no home. Knowing I have no money to get or keep a home, knowing I have not 1, not 2, not even 3.. but 4 children to provide for. Children that need a home, stability; a stable environment, a stable school system, a stable role model. I have been struggling to be, to find and/or provide for them these things over the last 16 years. Clinging to every thread that resembles any of these things, trying to make those strings into a rope, a rope, which I haven't even accomplished... into a basket or something more substantial. At this point though, I think I'd settle for just a string. I have lost them all.

Why can't I provide even the basics like a roof, for my children... or myself? I honestly don't know. Past life karma? My anxiety or agoraphobia? Maybe I am just a horrible person. I don't know. I honestly do not know.

At this point, I am so stressed, so angry, so upset, so anxious, so sad... I've been pushing away those around me. Not for lack of needing or wanting them around me, maybe for their protection? I can't seem to stop snapping at people, making rash, snap decisions and unfortunately having the conviction to stick to those decisions... at least initially.

I am sitting here, trying hard not to cry yet again. Wondering how many people before me went through this very thing. How many people felt these exact same feelings? I have put in time in soup kitchens and clothing closets for the homeless, never thinking that I would be on the other side of those lines, but always subconsciously hoping, that if I ever got to this point, that I had a strong enough support system to get me beyond it. Wondering why those people didn't have that support. (Irony? The Verve Pipe - Bittersweet Symphony just came on Pandora.)

Tears are flowing free now, I can't help it. Here I am, pouring out my heart to strangers, friends both old and new, family... anyone who will click the link that I am going to be making public once this is complete... wondering and worrying about what kind of judgement people are going to make about me. I of course didn't ask for this, I don't think anyone ever would, but a wise person told me that our lives are really a series of choices and where we end up is a result of those roads we chose. I apparently chose horribly.

I struggle not to beg for help. I struggle to keep my composure, I struggle not to just let myself be swallowed whole by the overwhelming depression that comes with what I am feeling. I don't judge myself for that, I imagine it's a natural reaction to what I am going through. (Whew, Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 maybe it will quell the tears for a while.)

Since I began this blog, I have had a few readers, a few angels trying to help, with words or other means of support. Mrs. Abby Flaten went so far as to cover my children's school supply needs. I am grateful for any and all help. But I still, I don't even know. I need something. Some sort of help, because I am in a hell right now and I can't see my way out, no matter how bright a candle I hold.

What I have written to this point, is but a blur in my mind. I know what I am thinking, what I want to say, but I would have to go back and read what I have written to see what I have said. I am sure that sounds completely odd, and I am not going to go back, I don't want to change anything. It is all honest and pure. So, forgive me any possible typos, misspellings and grammatical mistakes I may have made. Try to see beyond that and read this post for what it is. Do I know exactly what it is? No. I might be venting, it might be a cry for help... or hell maybe I am just in a pit of a very deep self pity party. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to say it.

Under 2 weeks to go: Song of the day: BangBangBang - Group X

Okay. I am not going to whine today. But I am still open to taking helpful suggestions! Enjoy today's song of the day... Group X - Bang Bang Bang

I did it.

Despite the amazing stress I am under, and the anxiety that is plaguing me in turn... I left the house today. I loaded up my ex-husband and went and ran my errands as usual. Okay, it wasn't so usual, I was anxious as hell... but I managed.

I am very proud of myself right now. Now... if I could win the lotto without paying to play it or I fall into a free house big enough for myself and my kids, preferably in the Anoka school district... I'd be in heaven instead of the hell that my life feels like it's become. I'm betting I have a better chance of being struck by lightning.

Where is Oprah or Bill Gates when I need them?

Song of the day: Otep - Head of Medusa/Head

I was watching True Blood, one of my obsessions since reading the whole Sookie Series and heard this song. Karl has been trying to get me to listen to Otep for a long while, but I resisted. This song caught me off guard today though, snuck up on me. 

Edit: Karl said the song is called just "Head" and that is how it is listed on the album. I saw it both ways online, however, it was listed as "Head of Medusa" most often. I don't know which is right, but I still love the song. I am sorry if I gave the wrong title. >.<

I am losing hope. Please help?

I have hung onto hope for the past month and a half, well, hope and faith... that somehow, I would find a home for the kids and myself. However, as I find the days speeding past, I am losing hope and faith seemingly as fast as time is flying by.

I have money, but not enough money...  I have income, but not enough income... I have credit, but it sucks. My rental credit is impeccable, but of course that isn't what matters anymore. Credit, as a whole... matters.

I don't know what to do. I am facing serious homelessness with children. I guess I could always have the kids stay with friends and/or family... but would they understand that? Do I want to be away from them like that? Sure, I can live in my car... but they can't. I am pretty sure that would get them taken from me.

Not to mention their schools, Dalton recently discussed options for where to stay, but when confronted with the choice of staying in his current school and someone he loves in appropriate threats over the issue... he was so broken up over it, he broke his hand punching his bed. He is now in a cast for the last month+ of summer.

I feel like all I do is whine. But my gods, this is huge. 100%, sincere homelessness. What am I going to do? I will take any and all suggestions. I am out of ideas. Even waiting lists for income based housing are closed, no section 8, there are no options. Too many other people lost their homes when they lost their jobs. I just do not know what to do at this point.

Please help, I'll take any suggestions. Here, twitter, email, text... I don't care how you reach me. I just need something.

Ah pre-season! I loves it!

Chilling here, watching my boys... the Minnesota Vikings! That's right, I bleed purple baby. Granted, it's only a pre-season game... but they're playing none the less. I go through a whole summer waiting for this day!

Hell, it almost made me forget we are almost homeless, for about 5 minutes!

Skol Vikings, let's go!

Will we get Favre back? I hope, we were robbed last year. Holy crap I want this Mr. Potato Head!

Nevermind the imperfections...

Crocheting to calm down is working. Yay!

This is how far I have gotten on my scarf/crocheting project, working on it specifically when I am having issues with my anxiety.

Maybe being homeless wont be too bad if I keep going at this rate. Scarves and blankies for everyone! If I get really good... I can crochet us a home. :P

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Is this a tornado?

We have slowed the video down and adjusted the contrast, but last night my Phenson was taking video of the lightning and caught what looks like it may be a tornado. He didn't stick around to find out though, what a wuss :p (Just kidding, safety is smart.)

Ah, anxiety sucks!

But I have re-learned and old yet effective tool for calming myself. I am once again crocheting and while it was a bit of a stinker to get going on my own... I rightfully put my trust into YouTube. I will link that later.

It looks sloppy in this photo, but not in real life. ::shrug::

Anyhow, here is a pic of the scarf I started just today. Yay me!

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Editing to add the video that helped me get started again. Great for beginners too.

A Douche Bag is You!: Ray has earned himself a post here!

A Douche Bag is You!: Ray has earned himself a post here!: "Well, really he earned it years and years ago... but today I got the good news that his attempt to have his child support modified to a lowe..."

checking it out...

blogging from my droid, could be cool for blogging on the run.

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Random Kindness

Many thanks to Abby Flaten, for her help getting us ready for the upcoming school year. She saw my blog and knew the amount of things stressing me. She has been fortunate enough in life and her belief in the Lord that she was able to help out with backpacks and supplies for all 4 children. One thing I can cross from the list of stresses and anything crossed off that list is a great thing. 

Backpacks filled with supplies for the kids.

Thank you so much Abby, your kindness means so much. Also, I promise, as soon as I am able I will "pay it forward". I can only imagine how good it feels to be the one helping rather than the helped in this situation. 

Emma's Birthday Wishlist

It's pretty basic actually. If she's seen it on TV, she wants it and then add the basics... And of course daily she asks how many days left until her birthday. I am thinking of making her an event countdown of some sort... maybe just simple paper rings. August 26th is right around the corner now and you can tell she knows it lol.

So far I ordered her the pillow pet Unicorn... although I don't know that I had a size choice... and they were out of the blankets and bags to go with them. That is about all I've picked up so far.

Anyhow, for those that are interested, this isEmma's Birthday WishlistIt was an interesting challenge trying to help her create it, although it really does reflect her interests quite well.

Okay, again I know, I have more important things to worry about.

However, I would love to have this to wear for a casual birthday night out.

Birthday Outfit... by jigsawgirl

Not the right time

But I have wanted one of these since they first came out. As I am packing up boxes of books, I can't help but wish I had one lmao.




Does anyone have one? Are they as wonderful as I think they are?

Count on my 5 year old

To brighten my day. "Mom, we are guardian angels, that's why we have all of our angel kisses!" Angel kisses is what I have always called those little tiny spots on skin, like a mole, maybe they're moles...  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthmark this is the Wiki I got when I googled angel kisses. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, but still, it's cute none the less.

I know I've posted this before...

But omg I cannot seem to sleep lately.

Let's see... stress, maybe that has something to do with it... what is there?

• 25 days left to pack all of our stuff up.
• 25 days left to find, plant and harvest a money tree.
• 25 days left to find a place to live with money from said tree, because I can't get shit with $200.00/month.
• 25 days left to figure out which direction I can handle my life taking.
• Find a place to put the boxes I've managed to pack.
• Get the kids ready to start the next school year, supplies and clothes.
• Wait to hear from the court on the child support modification Ray wants.
• My ex-husband is acting like a whiny bitch. (sometimes I can't fault him for it, but stress none the less.)
• Anxiety.
• How and what to get Emma for her 6th birthday, on top of all the other money worries I have.

Shit, there is so much more I could list, but I wont. I don't even want to. I can't. It's too depressing. I never envisioned myself at this point. I can't believe how much stress there is just trying to keep myself and the kids from being homeless. UHG! 

So many views

And still no response. Ah well. I am done posting about people who cause crap or have caused crap in my life. They can have their own blog. Yep. Their very own blog. I don't mind telling people how much they screw up, but this blog is mine.

<3 a douche bag is you! <3

Just for y'all. Kisses!

A comment re-post

As per Phenson's request, I am re-posting this so that my ex in-laws don't miss it. I think that is why I am re-posting. Either way, it's well worth doing.

Phenson said...

I support this post 100%, and to my ex-family (I consider myself an orphan) revel in the end result of your selfish, petty, and stubborn behaviors that pushed her where you always wanted her, away from me. Many times, completely distraught, crying, panicked, I pleaded and begged you not to exclude my wife the way you did. But you did not care, you couldn't stand that I ran away from you and was so happy with her. 

You crushed my whole world, you destroyed everything I ever truly loved, you killed the only thing I was sure of, the one thing I searched for so long to find. You didn't care how in love we were, how much we adored each other, how incredibly uncommon our bond was, she wasn't what you wanted for me, and you made it WELL known every single time we needed any kind of help and had to lean on you. You acted like borrowing money to us gave you the right to belittle, pass judgement, and be flat out cruel to my wife. Job well done, you got what you wanted, she's gone. But so am I, because before things snowballed with the divorce, YOU ignored the simplest of requests, you didn't like her and couldn't be bothered with making her feel welcome, you couldn't even go grocery shopping with her, you were always too busy. But you had plenty of time to gossip and talk shit about her behind her back, while lying to her face. You were too old, too lazy, too controlling, too busy, selfish, petty, hypocritical, stubborn, malicious, and jealous little bitches, and pissed on the one thing that made me truly happy to be alive. It has been 2 years, and NO, it has not gotten easier, I am in constant agony over losing her, agony over what my family put her through, agony over the things I let you beat into me and how I let you manipulate me into doing your will through my divorce, because that will never go away, I can never repair that damage, and it fucking hurts every moment of every day, watching her rebuild hers and the kids lives through the extra hardships we have caused for her and them. 

My broken heart, shattered dreams, and complete hopelessness comes from YOU, not her, and if it weren't for her, I'd have killed myself to escape this nightmare a long time ago, but it is her compassion that has intervened. I owe her my life, and I'll spend the rest of my life loving, caring, and helping her no matter where she is in life, because she deserves nothing less.

August 4, 2010 4:50 AM 

Oh Megan...

Hide my ass, doesn't work *that* well and it doesn't work at all when you're checking from your iPhone lol. You know, if you want to know about me so badly... you could always ask me.

You could have treated me better when I was married to your brother. You could have treated him better his whole life. You could get over yourself and realize how much you fuck up the lives of those who meet you. Poor Christy, never saw you coming when you stole her husband from her.

I would ask if it's painful for you to read that, but I know you're heartless. Hell, if it wasn't for your mom and your parents money, you'd have no one and nothing. Kind of sad.

No worries. I still love ya! Kisses! Oh, and give your mommy kisses for me too. <3 Oh, here is a reference book for your future surgery choices. Hope it helps!

I danced in the rain

In my cami and panties (boycut so they looked like shorts) tonight. Now, if you ask my ex in-laws... I am sure that would make me a whore. However, I am simply an earth loving pagan who was enjoying and rejoicing in the dance and the gift of rain. It was as if the earth mother herself gave me each precious droplet to dance in.

It was simply glorious! Just thought I'd share an upside to an otherwise seemingly unlucky life.

Homelessness....

I am about to experience it. Even options I thought might work, wont work now. So today, after crunching numbers... I came to the devastating conclusion that I cannot in any way afford to put a roof over my head or my children's heads.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Crying has done nothing. I guess I can attempt to keep hope, although I don't know if that is just going to end up making the end result worse when hope isn't enough.