Wednesday, August 18, 2010

What do I do? What can I do? I think my heart is breaking.

I think I am going insane, not in the clinical sense.. well hell... who knows in what sense. I am a mess.

Facing what is now or will soon be 12 days until I have no home. Knowing I have no money to get or keep a home, knowing I have not 1, not 2, not even 3.. but 4 children to provide for. Children that need a home, stability; a stable environment, a stable school system, a stable role model. I have been struggling to be, to find and/or provide for them these things over the last 16 years. Clinging to every thread that resembles any of these things, trying to make those strings into a rope, a rope, which I haven't even accomplished... into a basket or something more substantial. At this point though, I think I'd settle for just a string. I have lost them all.

Why can't I provide even the basics like a roof, for my children... or myself? I honestly don't know. Past life karma? My anxiety or agoraphobia? Maybe I am just a horrible person. I don't know. I honestly do not know.

At this point, I am so stressed, so angry, so upset, so anxious, so sad... I've been pushing away those around me. Not for lack of needing or wanting them around me, maybe for their protection? I can't seem to stop snapping at people, making rash, snap decisions and unfortunately having the conviction to stick to those decisions... at least initially.

I am sitting here, trying hard not to cry yet again. Wondering how many people before me went through this very thing. How many people felt these exact same feelings? I have put in time in soup kitchens and clothing closets for the homeless, never thinking that I would be on the other side of those lines, but always subconsciously hoping, that if I ever got to this point, that I had a strong enough support system to get me beyond it. Wondering why those people didn't have that support. (Irony? The Verve Pipe - Bittersweet Symphony just came on Pandora.)

Tears are flowing free now, I can't help it. Here I am, pouring out my heart to strangers, friends both old and new, family... anyone who will click the link that I am going to be making public once this is complete... wondering and worrying about what kind of judgement people are going to make about me. I of course didn't ask for this, I don't think anyone ever would, but a wise person told me that our lives are really a series of choices and where we end up is a result of those roads we chose. I apparently chose horribly.

I struggle not to beg for help. I struggle to keep my composure, I struggle not to just let myself be swallowed whole by the overwhelming depression that comes with what I am feeling. I don't judge myself for that, I imagine it's a natural reaction to what I am going through. (Whew, Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 maybe it will quell the tears for a while.)

Since I began this blog, I have had a few readers, a few angels trying to help, with words or other means of support. Mrs. Abby Flaten went so far as to cover my children's school supply needs. I am grateful for any and all help. But I still, I don't even know. I need something. Some sort of help, because I am in a hell right now and I can't see my way out, no matter how bright a candle I hold.

What I have written to this point, is but a blur in my mind. I know what I am thinking, what I want to say, but I would have to go back and read what I have written to see what I have said. I am sure that sounds completely odd, and I am not going to go back, I don't want to change anything. It is all honest and pure. So, forgive me any possible typos, misspellings and grammatical mistakes I may have made. Try to see beyond that and read this post for what it is. Do I know exactly what it is? No. I might be venting, it might be a cry for help... or hell maybe I am just in a pit of a very deep self pity party. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to say it.

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