What do I do? What can I do? I think my heart is breaking.

I think I am going insane, not in the clinical sense.. well hell... who knows in what sense. I am a mess.

Facing what is now or will soon be 12 days until I have no home. Knowing I have no money to get or keep a home, knowing I have not 1, not 2, not even 3.. but 4 children to provide for. Children that need a home, stability; a stable environment, a stable school system, a stable role model. I have been struggling to be, to find and/or provide for them these things over the last 16 years. Clinging to every thread that resembles any of these things, trying to make those strings into a rope, a rope, which I haven't even accomplished... into a basket or something more substantial. At this point though, I think I'd settle for just a string. I have lost them all.

Why can't I provide even the basics like a roof, for my children... or myself? I honestly don't know. Past life karma? My anxiety or agoraphobia? Maybe I am just a horrible person. I don't know. I honestly do not know.

At this point, I am so stressed, so angry, so upset, so anxious, so sad... I've been pushing away those around me. Not for lack of needing or wanting them around me, maybe for their protection? I can't seem to stop snapping at people, making rash, snap decisions and unfortunately having the conviction to stick to those decisions... at least initially.

I am sitting here, trying hard not to cry yet again. Wondering how many people before me went through this very thing. How many people felt these exact same feelings? I have put in time in soup kitchens and clothing closets for the homeless, never thinking that I would be on the other side of those lines, but always subconsciously hoping, that if I ever got to this point, that I had a strong enough support system to get me beyond it. Wondering why those people didn't have that support. (Irony? The Verve Pipe - Bittersweet Symphony just came on Pandora.)

Tears are flowing free now, I can't help it. Here I am, pouring out my heart to strangers, friends both old and new, family... anyone who will click the link that I am going to be making public once this is complete... wondering and worrying about what kind of judgement people are going to make about me. I of course didn't ask for this, I don't think anyone ever would, but a wise person told me that our lives are really a series of choices and where we end up is a result of those roads we chose. I apparently chose horribly.

I struggle not to beg for help. I struggle to keep my composure, I struggle not to just let myself be swallowed whole by the overwhelming depression that comes with what I am feeling. I don't judge myself for that, I imagine it's a natural reaction to what I am going through. (Whew, Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 maybe it will quell the tears for a while.)

Since I began this blog, I have had a few readers, a few angels trying to help, with words or other means of support. Mrs. Abby Flaten went so far as to cover my children's school supply needs. I am grateful for any and all help. But I still, I don't even know. I need something. Some sort of help, because I am in a hell right now and I can't see my way out, no matter how bright a candle I hold.

What I have written to this point, is but a blur in my mind. I know what I am thinking, what I want to say, but I would have to go back and read what I have written to see what I have said. I am sure that sounds completely odd, and I am not going to go back, I don't want to change anything. It is all honest and pure. So, forgive me any possible typos, misspellings and grammatical mistakes I may have made. Try to see beyond that and read this post for what it is. Do I know exactly what it is? No. I might be venting, it might be a cry for help... or hell maybe I am just in a pit of a very deep self pity party. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read this. I needed to say it.

Random Kindness

Many thanks to Abby Flaten, for her help getting us ready for the upcoming school year. She saw my blog and knew the amount of things stressing me. She has been fortunate enough in life and her belief in the Lord that she was able to help out with backpacks and supplies for all 4 children. One thing I can cross from the list of stresses and anything crossed off that list is a great thing. 

Backpacks filled with supplies for the kids.

Thank you so much Abby, your kindness means so much. Also, I promise, as soon as I am able I will "pay it forward". I can only imagine how good it feels to be the one helping rather than the helped in this situation.