Pregnancy and Anxiety... oh my!

I am so determined to get beyond the anxiety and have a healthy happy, stress free (wishful thinking I'm sure) pregnancy. I am attending therapy, I am crocheting like it is going out of style, I am doing the Qigong I have learned in therapy and also the acupressure tapping techniques I've learned... but I still feel something is lacking.

I really, really, really want a prenatal yoga DVD. After reading all the reviews the one I have linked here seems to be the best. So, if anyone is feeling generous >.< I would gladly receive and use this. It feels SO tacky to ask... however I believe the sooner I start it the better, fitness and anxiety wise.  

For that matter, beyond the yoga DVD, I am open to other suggestions to help with my anxiety while pregnant as the one medication that helps with anxiety is class D, which means it very well may harm the baby. I am stuck with using Benedryl when I panic now. Ish, that stuff knocks me out.

I think I am too tired to sleep!

Spending 6 hours a day in my new therapy is paying off. My anxiety is greatly reduced. However that is 6 hours I can't nap for and apparently when I get home it takes me too long to get a reasonably times nap. I asked about adding naps into therapy, but they didn't think insurance would go for it. :p

Then again, it's been a roller coaster over the past few days. I went into the ER with some cramping in my "lower right quadrant" causing them to do an U/S and subsequent blood tests. Initially they were worried I was losing the pregnancy and they're still concerned it might be an ectopic... however the lack of cramping at this point seems to make that less of a concern as well. My beta hCG levels have been good and I should have another U/S next week to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, but what a scary thing to go through.

With that said, however, I know without a doubt, despite this being a "surprise" baby, I don't want to lose it. So I am hoping for a smoother ride from here on out. I did crochet 3 scarves over the last 3 days trying to keep my mind of it though, which is great. I am that much closer to having a decent amount to donate. :)

Blah! Anxiety sucks!

I am trying so hard to get off of the Klonopin that I am on. The one med that has been effective in treating my anxiety off and on for years... but there is apparently no "safe" alternative. To top it off, I can't just stop taking the Klonopin as it apparently has some very wicked withdrawal side effects.

It's SO frustrating. However today at therapy they invited me to try a new program also through Mercy. It's called the partial program and it's significantly more intense than the therapy I am getting now, as well as allowing me the ability to see a Psychiatrist daily rather than waiting months to get in to one. I am hoping that would help with med changes as I've had to depend on only myself so far with tapering off the other meds.

I effing hate anxiety, agoraphobia and depression. They suck. :(

It's been a productive day so far

I went down to the county offices and straightened out the mess that my worker self admittedly made. I can't even begin to tell you how much that sucks. Life would be so much easier if I could solve my anxiety issues and live a "normal" life. I miss working and the feeling of accomplishment that goes along with it when you get a pay check. I miss the feeling of being completely self sufficient. I miss not being judged for getting assistance, although those who do judge me for that can kiss my bum. :p

I made an appointment for WIC, filled out and filed all the paperwork I could at this point, I also took care of getting my proofs of income and so on, so when I go there isn't anything to do but go. I got Emma's insurance reinstated as well as my own, that was a part of the worker screw up but I had to do the leg work on it to expedite the process. Blah.

Anyhow, that is all the stressful stuff I had on my plate for the day and so far so good. I think I am going to see if I can handle a trip to Joanne's or Michael's for the yarn from the donation. I'm very excited to get started on that and I am nearly out of my own yarn at this point anyhow.  I wish I could get a bulk discount or some sort of discount for doing it for a good cause, I'd rather make the most of the money. Not that I'm not already going to do what I can, but the more I can get... obviously would be better.

I think that's it for now. Oh I have some searching/research to do for Jim, that should keep me busy for a while as well. It feels good to be productive. <3

Wonderful people

There are a few out there that is for sure. I received an anonymous donation of $25 towards the purchase of more yarn for the scarves that I have been making.

If you didn't read the earlier post, as a tool to help myself be less anxious I've learned to crochet and have, through practice, gotten fairly good at at least making scarves. However I had two issues, I was running out of yarn to crochet with, and I was running out of people to make scarves for. So I came up with an idea that benefits me, buy giving me more yarn to keep my anxiety at bay as well as benefits other people in need, because I will  be donating the scarves to local organizations that help others in need.


Needless to say the person who donated the money has a very kind heart and while I know who it is, it is as per their wish that I am keeping their information confidential. I will post my receipts here as well as show the yarn I am able to purchase and the scarves I produce with that yarn. Hopefully this can become something other people are interested in taking part in as well.

Anyhow, I was am excited so I had to at least post something. To that wonderful person, my sincere thanks for not only trusting me to do what I say I will, but seeing the good in the idea/cause. Thank you so much!

Ah, back to therapy.

I knew I missed it, but not how much. I also didn't know how much I'd be missed.

Although finishing my intake today it seems that I will continue to attend therapy until the "partial" program opens, and that next week we will complete my intake for it. While yes, therapy is helping, it just isn't quite enough. My anxiety is still a monster to be reckoned with and while it's a tiny bit more tolerable, it's not where I need it to be.

I am still crocheting and it's still getting me through tougher times, I'm even mixing it up a bit, teaching myself new stitches as I go. The scarf I am currently working on is 5 rows of double (the first stitch I ever learned) and one row of singles, rinse and repeat. With much luck I'll be donating some really great scarves to the needy in no time. Not that I am not needy myself, but do unto others.

Football shouldn't give me anxiety...

So wtf? Sitting here watching the Vikes Vs. Pack... and I'm freaking anxious. That is gay as hell. I'm not... NOT going to stop watching it though, so here is to CBT watching the Vikes play. Klonopin my friend and savior, we're getting through this one together.

Awake at 4am with a sick kiddo

Poor little bean is coughing so hard she can't help but to vomit. It's hard enough being a broke mommy, barely scraping by on rent, but now I am an anxious mommy waiting for a pawn shop to open to I can get her some cough medicine.

I am not sure if I have blogged this before or not, but I absolutely hate how much control my anxiety has on my life. I *hate* it. I am going to therapy as often as possible, I am learning new coping techniques, I am working on relaxation and breathing exercises almost constantly to keep myself under control. I am getting by with taking 2 - 3 Klonopin a day, but even at that, I am only taking it when I absolutely have to.

I know I can get it in check, I know I will, but the waiting and trying is just so damn hard. I am contemplating trying to get at least part time work at Mercy... it's close and I'll feel safe. If I can work that out and do it while Emma is in school, I just might have a shot at making something work and hopefully being less dependent on the child support that isn't being paid. In the mean time, life kind of sucks.

For now, my plan is to keep her comfortable and sleeping until either the Minute Clinic or Urgent Care are open, taking her to be seen and hopefully getting enough at pawn to give her the cough meds and other "feel better" items like breath right strips, etc. that I know help her when she feels this way. She has been such a good girl that I gave her $1.00 to take to school to buy cookies at lunch. It's pretty sad that I regret rewarding her good behavior now because I think with the $3.00 I had I might have been able to get at least a generic brand couch syrup for her.

This means she is going to miss her second day of school for the year. Last year she missed 16 days total with colds and the flu... to the point that they threatened me for truancy, I can't risk that this year, but what is a mom with a sick kid to do? Last year I didn't take her in each time she was sick, this year I plan to at least take her to the Minute Clinic (at a minimum) for medical documentation of whatever illnesses she comes down with. That was something I avoided last year trying to keep her colds from becoming more by being around other sick people and additional germs. I also plan to get her the flu shot if we can ever get a long enough window between colds.

ARG. I guess I am just really stressed, I should be sleeping, I know I should, but I can't. Emma and Steve however are snoring peacefully behind me on the bed, which I should take as a blessing.she's safe and secure snuggling daddy and I am at least mentally dealing with the logistics of getting her well. I am doing all I can, right? I think and hope I am. Although as I've said before, I am always open to suggestions, although I appreciate it if they're not in the form of criticism.

Emma snuggled in a bundle of blankets next to me.

Daddy crashed out next to her legs. Poor bean.

To whomever stuck this mini-book out and read it, thank you, it means a lot to me. Blogging has really become a great tool for me, to get things that I struggle with inside, out. I never thought my life would be such a struggle and I know it has to sound pretty dramatic. I know others have been through worse, but it is what it is and I am doing my best.

Is it possible to take too many baths?

I don't know if it is from being homeless for 17 days or if it is just soothing for my anxiety, but I take at least one bath a day. And not just a bath, I would say I stay in the tub for at least an hour at a time... Barring unexpected visitors. (Usually Mom lol)

I read, text, go on the internet, listen to music and now apparently I can add blogging to that list. Sorry if that is TMI for you lol. Just being honest. I could even picture watching a movie in the tub...

I don't think I have ever taken so many baths in my life. I still shower too... It isn't an OCD thing either, I don't "bathe" every time, like hair washing and all.

Maybe I am just an odd ducky.

No worries, just my feet and no nudie reflections! Lol

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I must be crazy

I am once again looking forward to sitting through 3 hours of therapy. Yeah, 3 hours, 3 times a week.... 9 hours of therapy a week... and that is just group therapy. I think it's safe to say that I really want my anxiety to go away for good. I also think I look forward to seeing the friends I've made. Friends going through the exact same things. I am definitely thankful for the AMHOP program that allows me this opportunity.

I am sick of the issues anxiety causes in my life... especially money issues. I hate that I went through being homeless. I hate that I had to live in my truck, I hate that I have to pawn stuff for rent... I hate that I can't afford to just go out and get Emma more school clothes. Not that she doesn't have clothes to get through on... but come on, one of the best parts of a new school year is new outfits.

You know, I have to say that through it all, I've been able to keep a fairly positive attitude. I know I can beat this again, I've beaten it before. To beat it for good would be absolutely divine, and it is without a doubt my long term goal. However, just to make it through a day without having to have to run to the ER for some problem that my mind thinks it might want to manifest with actual physical symptoms... that is my short term goal.

As of today I have gone 9 days without an ER visit. Since I was homeless, that is probably the longest period of time I've spent without an ER visit. So, I think for now I am going to use that as my guide to gauge how much my anxiety is improving... that and my trips out and about. FourSquare has actually been a great tool for me to keep track of making sure I get out and do things, I really don't want to be stuck in my apartment, that is NEVER fun.

So, how is that for a brutally honest post. I'm broke, I'm anxious, both things feed each other... it's a vicious cycle, but one I am determined to end. Do I really think I am crazy? Nope, I think I've been through and seen a lot of really bad crap in my life and my feeling of security, that slight feeling of immortality, has been taken from me. Now it's just a matter of learning to live my life without that, and I am very hopeful that I can do just that.

Woohoo! Good day for me!

I did all the running I had to, I pawned what I had to, I got the money order I needed and I *think* I got my rent paid on time. I think today was the last day for it to be considered "on time". Whew.

An anxiety roller coaster to say the least though holy crap. Rent is paid, phone is paid... the rest I don't know what I'll do, but those two for me, are the two big ones. Trying my ass off to get on my feet, I am getting there... I think. I still owe for the bounced application check, that is $70, but nobody is ever in the office for me to find out how long I have to come up with that. Hell coming up with rent was hell... but I did it!

I am flat broke, but I did it.

Therapy? Oh my!

Today was day two of a new group therapy I am attending to try to help me lessen/cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia... so far so good, I think.

The plan is to attend these groups Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am -12pm talking and learning with others who have the same or similar issues. The groups don't seem to be totally consistent as far as who attends when, but I am all for diversity. I just really want to get better. I can't stand having my life ruled by feelings and thoughts that aren't real. Meaning, fearing normal every day things and situations to the point of where it debilitates my life.

Why do I bring this up? I have had a few responses to my blog, especially when my ex-husband Stephen posted asking for help, to get me out of the homeless situation. I just want to make it known that this is not a voluntary disorder. I know if you've never gone through it, it is nearly impossible to understand how it can be so debilitating. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, my life went from being fairly happy and carefree to the point of being trapped within my own home for fear of things outside it. Mostly, anything that might harm me.

One of the worst parts of this disorder is knowing that it is purely in my head. Sure, some dangers are quite real, but just the act of eating in a restaurant or with a group of people shouldn't pose any additional choking hazard. Simple, or seemingly simple worries like that are what limit my life. On top of those I have the agoraphobia, which I can sum up no better than a fear of fear. What it truly boils down to is I tend to be afraid of any situation that I believe *might* cause me to have a panic attack. I know these things are in my mind, but they manifest physical symptoms that make it difficult to deny when you're trying to logic yourself out of the issue at hand.

Okay, so this was a lot of writing and I am not sure I really helped anyone understand what I am living with. I can say, if you have a question about either Anxiety or Agoraphobia I would be happy to answer them. It may help you understand why I can't just "get off my lazy ass and get a job" and "Why don't you quit smoking it's a filthy habit, that costs money you clearly don't have?" aren't realistic goals at this point. Even according to the doctors I see for my disorder.

Hell, apparently trying to write this out and help people understand my position in life, makes me a bitch because I am concentrating and not immediately responding to my ex husband.

I cant believe

I now live in my truck... I am just... Wow. Talk about non-stop panic attacks. :(

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Song of the day: Dream Theater - Panic Attack

Http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=t7b_DaILYiQ

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I am here

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I did it.

Despite the amazing stress I am under, and the anxiety that is plaguing me in turn... I left the house today. I loaded up my ex-husband and went and ran my errands as usual. Okay, it wasn't so usual, I was anxious as hell... but I managed.

I am very proud of myself right now. Now... if I could win the lotto without paying to play it or I fall into a free house big enough for myself and my kids, preferably in the Anoka school district... I'd be in heaven instead of the hell that my life feels like it's become. I'm betting I have a better chance of being struck by lightning.

Where is Oprah or Bill Gates when I need them?

Nevermind the imperfections...

Crocheting to calm down is working. Yay!

This is how far I have gotten on my scarf/crocheting project, working on it specifically when I am having issues with my anxiety.

Maybe being homeless wont be too bad if I keep going at this rate. Scarves and blankies for everyone! If I get really good... I can crochet us a home. :P

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Ah, anxiety sucks!

But I have re-learned and old yet effective tool for calming myself. I am once again crocheting and while it was a bit of a stinker to get going on my own... I rightfully put my trust into YouTube. I will link that later.

It looks sloppy in this photo, but not in real life. ::shrug::

Anyhow, here is a pic of the scarf I started just today. Yay me!

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Editing to add the video that helped me get started again. Great for beginners too.

I know I've posted this before...

But omg I cannot seem to sleep lately.

Let's see... stress, maybe that has something to do with it... what is there?

• 25 days left to pack all of our stuff up.
• 25 days left to find, plant and harvest a money tree.
• 25 days left to find a place to live with money from said tree, because I can't get shit with $200.00/month.
• 25 days left to figure out which direction I can handle my life taking.
• Find a place to put the boxes I've managed to pack.
• Get the kids ready to start the next school year, supplies and clothes.
• Wait to hear from the court on the child support modification Ray wants.
• My ex-husband is acting like a whiny bitch. (sometimes I can't fault him for it, but stress none the less.)
• Anxiety.
• How and what to get Emma for her 6th birthday, on top of all the other money worries I have.

Shit, there is so much more I could list, but I wont. I don't even want to. I can't. It's too depressing. I never envisioned myself at this point. I can't believe how much stress there is just trying to keep myself and the kids from being homeless. UHG!