Group Therapy... eh.

I just don't know what to think of this new therapy program. Yes, it's more intense, but it's always in a group and always feels more stressful. You wait your turn to talk, if you get a chance to talk you have people talking over you... but there has to be some benefit... right?

I am questioning whether to stay in this new more intense therapy or go back to the old one where it was more relaxed and took less than 1/3 the time this one takes per week. Not to mention food and drinks bought at the hospital, holy crap that is getting spendy! Granted I've switched over to just the ice water with the yummy ice for drinking, but lunch is expensive in the cafeteria.

Toss the pregnancy on top of it and I find it almost impossible to stay awake, especially for the 3 hours that come after lunch. >.< I think I spend more time checking the clock and anxiously awaiting time to leave than I spend paying attention to the given topic. Hell, of the 6 groups we do a day, I think only 3 of them really even pertain to me since I haven't and wont ever attempt suicide. How annoying.

Pregnancy and Anxiety... oh my!

I am so determined to get beyond the anxiety and have a healthy happy, stress free (wishful thinking I'm sure) pregnancy. I am attending therapy, I am crocheting like it is going out of style, I am doing the Qigong I have learned in therapy and also the acupressure tapping techniques I've learned... but I still feel something is lacking.

I really, really, really want a prenatal yoga DVD. After reading all the reviews the one I have linked here seems to be the best. So, if anyone is feeling generous >.< I would gladly receive and use this. It feels SO tacky to ask... however I believe the sooner I start it the better, fitness and anxiety wise.  

For that matter, beyond the yoga DVD, I am open to other suggestions to help with my anxiety while pregnant as the one medication that helps with anxiety is class D, which means it very well may harm the baby. I am stuck with using Benedryl when I panic now. Ish, that stuff knocks me out.

I think I am too tired to sleep!

Spending 6 hours a day in my new therapy is paying off. My anxiety is greatly reduced. However that is 6 hours I can't nap for and apparently when I get home it takes me too long to get a reasonably times nap. I asked about adding naps into therapy, but they didn't think insurance would go for it. :p

Then again, it's been a roller coaster over the past few days. I went into the ER with some cramping in my "lower right quadrant" causing them to do an U/S and subsequent blood tests. Initially they were worried I was losing the pregnancy and they're still concerned it might be an ectopic... however the lack of cramping at this point seems to make that less of a concern as well. My beta hCG levels have been good and I should have another U/S next week to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, but what a scary thing to go through.

With that said, however, I know without a doubt, despite this being a "surprise" baby, I don't want to lose it. So I am hoping for a smoother ride from here on out. I did crochet 3 scarves over the last 3 days trying to keep my mind of it though, which is great. I am that much closer to having a decent amount to donate. :)

Ah, back to therapy.

I knew I missed it, but not how much. I also didn't know how much I'd be missed.

Although finishing my intake today it seems that I will continue to attend therapy until the "partial" program opens, and that next week we will complete my intake for it. While yes, therapy is helping, it just isn't quite enough. My anxiety is still a monster to be reckoned with and while it's a tiny bit more tolerable, it's not where I need it to be.

I am still crocheting and it's still getting me through tougher times, I'm even mixing it up a bit, teaching myself new stitches as I go. The scarf I am currently working on is 5 rows of double (the first stitch I ever learned) and one row of singles, rinse and repeat. With much luck I'll be donating some really great scarves to the needy in no time. Not that I am not needy myself, but do unto others.

Okay, I think I have an awesome idea.

Today, being back in therapy since being in the hospital, it was great. I am now picking up a Tuesday meditation and yoga group in addition to my M, W and F groups. That means 11 hours of therapy a week, not including seeing my therapist, I hope this stuff finally helps.

Nobody can claim I'm not going at this from all the angles I possible can. I even left Stephen home this morning, dropped Emma off and school and then went to AMHOP. That had a very empowering feeling to it and had the gas light not been on or had I had money for gas... oh the things I maybe could have done. lol

Anyone around the area up to daily walks? I'm not quite ready for jogging or running, but I am definitely ready to walk. Start small at first and work my way up. I'd like to do it outside while it's nice, but then maybe a mall or something for the winter. I think getting myself in better shape physically, while working on the mental portions might be just what I need to really make this all successful.

Oh also! I was thinking today and part of the way I get myself through anxious situations is to crochet... well, all I have really made is scarves so far, but they're quick and easy, giving me an easy sense of accomplishment. (Always a good thing.) Anyhow, they're therapeutic for me to make and as I am currently making use of the food-shelf in Anoka, I though that I could donate scarves for other people in need, so I feel like I am giving something back. 

My only real issue is affording more yarn for these scarves. I can buy a good size skien of yarn for under $3 and make no less than 2 scarves, maybe 3 depending on width and which crochet needle I use. At any rate, if anyone wants to buy yarn and donate it for not one but two good causes, or donate money for yarn (I'd gladly purchase the yarn and show the receipts for it.) you could help 2 people at one time and for fairly little money. I know in this economy nothing is really inexpensive, but if you have that little bit to give, you can help. By the way I am in no way using this for my own profit or gain (aside from the therapeutics that come along with making the scarves.) and I am willing to show that with any documentation possible. 

Do any of my readers know about how to set up a "donation" type link or anything along those lines? Or heck, even set up a Non-profit organization. Either way, this is something I'd like to do to help myself and others, so if you can help, it would be greatly appreciated. 

The indented portion is the important part.

Thanks,

Michele

It's hard to blog from the hospital

Between my anxiety and finding out I have another fantastic chronic condition... I seem to have hit the jackpot of crappy things that can happen to your body. I was admitted Wednesday afternoon, after therapy of course, and spent the bulk of my two and a half days waiting for specialists to come and run tests on me. Then, Friday night after I had finally seen the last specialist, I got a whole bunch of new prescriptions to come home and take. BLAH! I guess if they might help, it could be good. Notice I haven't listed the jackpot of crappy things? To be honest, I don't think I am ready to make the list yet. It's like, I don't know, I need time to come to terms with them myself. Of course none of them are life threatening, so no worries there, they're just life-long.

Oh and to make things even better for me, while I was in the hospital they had me in the "Behavioral Health" floor, which means what I could and couldn't have for "creature comforts" was very limited and I got a ton of extra therapy sessions via attending groups to keep my "Level green" clearance... meaning I wasn't a risk for harming myself or others and I could leave the locked unit for walks outside and such. Not that the level green made things much better, I am still upset with being on one floor because of an issue I really didn't go to address. I don't know why simply having anxiety made me stay on that floor rather than being on any other medical floor. I guess I just have to look at the bonuses of extra therapy to help with my anxiety and of course a psychiatrist to review my anxiety meds. It's always reassuring when they think you're on the right ones and don't change a thing. Oh and being in the sanest of the "wards" at a level 1 out of 3. Level 3, I am told, is a bit scary... that is where Jesus lives... according to the guy who insists he is Jesus.

So yeah, that was my last few days, sorry I was so quiet, I wasn't even allowed my cellphone, so that meant no blogging, hell, no anything.

Oh and before I forget, I did come home to find that Phenson had been in and out of storage like a busy bee. He got quite a bit of stuff moved over to the apartment as well as going through all the hastily packed boxes and reorganizing what is in storage for easier transport when we have more gas. I am extremely grateful for that.

I think that's about it for this post. No pics or anything too fun. Just a crappy update about life in general I think.

Socks!

Okay, there seems to be a thing with me and socks, knee highs and above especially. For like the last 2 years I just can't get enough of them!

So, today after therapy, I went to get another skein of yarn for Cheyenne's scarf with a coupon for 40% off any regular priced item. Lord knows I have crap for money and the yarn (go figure) was on sale so not eligible for the sale. I did however happen across some very cute Halloween sockies that at a full price of $3.99 did qualify for the 40% of. I figured I could have a inexpensive reward for all the work I've been doing with and for the betterment of my anxiety... so I got them! They ended up being cheaper than the yarn that was on sale...

Anyhow, I had to put them on when I got home so I thought I'd show them off!

Above the knee

Skulls and crossbones with stripes!

Sideways, but I think they're cute! Pardon my boxers...

Shock and Awe...

I am actually looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I've always hated therapy, any kind of it... but this group therapy through AMHOP is really starting to give me a positive feeling. I am thinking and hoping that even if only for a little while, this is going to help tremendously.

I wonder if I am odd... I mean, I'm not "normal", I never have been, nor would I like to be. Although being anxiety free would kick ass hardcore...

I don't know, but I am looking forward to it and I am not ashamed of it!

Therapy? Oh my!

Today was day two of a new group therapy I am attending to try to help me lessen/cope with my anxiety and agoraphobia... so far so good, I think.

The plan is to attend these groups Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am -12pm talking and learning with others who have the same or similar issues. The groups don't seem to be totally consistent as far as who attends when, but I am all for diversity. I just really want to get better. I can't stand having my life ruled by feelings and thoughts that aren't real. Meaning, fearing normal every day things and situations to the point of where it debilitates my life.

Why do I bring this up? I have had a few responses to my blog, especially when my ex-husband Stephen posted asking for help, to get me out of the homeless situation. I just want to make it known that this is not a voluntary disorder. I know if you've never gone through it, it is nearly impossible to understand how it can be so debilitating. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, my life went from being fairly happy and carefree to the point of being trapped within my own home for fear of things outside it. Mostly, anything that might harm me.

One of the worst parts of this disorder is knowing that it is purely in my head. Sure, some dangers are quite real, but just the act of eating in a restaurant or with a group of people shouldn't pose any additional choking hazard. Simple, or seemingly simple worries like that are what limit my life. On top of those I have the agoraphobia, which I can sum up no better than a fear of fear. What it truly boils down to is I tend to be afraid of any situation that I believe *might* cause me to have a panic attack. I know these things are in my mind, but they manifest physical symptoms that make it difficult to deny when you're trying to logic yourself out of the issue at hand.

Okay, so this was a lot of writing and I am not sure I really helped anyone understand what I am living with. I can say, if you have a question about either Anxiety or Agoraphobia I would be happy to answer them. It may help you understand why I can't just "get off my lazy ass and get a job" and "Why don't you quit smoking it's a filthy habit, that costs money you clearly don't have?" aren't realistic goals at this point. Even according to the doctors I see for my disorder.

Hell, apparently trying to write this out and help people understand my position in life, makes me a bitch because I am concentrating and not immediately responding to my ex husband.