Awake at 4am with a sick kiddo

Poor little bean is coughing so hard she can't help but to vomit. It's hard enough being a broke mommy, barely scraping by on rent, but now I am an anxious mommy waiting for a pawn shop to open to I can get her some cough medicine.

I am not sure if I have blogged this before or not, but I absolutely hate how much control my anxiety has on my life. I *hate* it. I am going to therapy as often as possible, I am learning new coping techniques, I am working on relaxation and breathing exercises almost constantly to keep myself under control. I am getting by with taking 2 - 3 Klonopin a day, but even at that, I am only taking it when I absolutely have to.

I know I can get it in check, I know I will, but the waiting and trying is just so damn hard. I am contemplating trying to get at least part time work at Mercy... it's close and I'll feel safe. If I can work that out and do it while Emma is in school, I just might have a shot at making something work and hopefully being less dependent on the child support that isn't being paid. In the mean time, life kind of sucks.

For now, my plan is to keep her comfortable and sleeping until either the Minute Clinic or Urgent Care are open, taking her to be seen and hopefully getting enough at pawn to give her the cough meds and other "feel better" items like breath right strips, etc. that I know help her when she feels this way. She has been such a good girl that I gave her $1.00 to take to school to buy cookies at lunch. It's pretty sad that I regret rewarding her good behavior now because I think with the $3.00 I had I might have been able to get at least a generic brand couch syrup for her.

This means she is going to miss her second day of school for the year. Last year she missed 16 days total with colds and the flu... to the point that they threatened me for truancy, I can't risk that this year, but what is a mom with a sick kid to do? Last year I didn't take her in each time she was sick, this year I plan to at least take her to the Minute Clinic (at a minimum) for medical documentation of whatever illnesses she comes down with. That was something I avoided last year trying to keep her colds from becoming more by being around other sick people and additional germs. I also plan to get her the flu shot if we can ever get a long enough window between colds.

ARG. I guess I am just really stressed, I should be sleeping, I know I should, but I can't. Emma and Steve however are snoring peacefully behind me on the bed, which I should take as a blessing.she's safe and secure snuggling daddy and I am at least mentally dealing with the logistics of getting her well. I am doing all I can, right? I think and hope I am. Although as I've said before, I am always open to suggestions, although I appreciate it if they're not in the form of criticism.

Emma snuggled in a bundle of blankets next to me.

Daddy crashed out next to her legs. Poor bean.

To whomever stuck this mini-book out and read it, thank you, it means a lot to me. Blogging has really become a great tool for me, to get things that I struggle with inside, out. I never thought my life would be such a struggle and I know it has to sound pretty dramatic. I know others have been through worse, but it is what it is and I am doing my best.